Children...The Perfect Play Toy.

Having a child is a great thing. They look up to you like a hero, at least until they know better. As they grow, I believe, they go through four different phases.

Phase One: “You are my Hero” Phase
This phase lasts from the time they are born, until they are 10 or 11 years old. You can do no wrong. They look up to you. You know everything that can be known in the universe, at least in their mind. This is the phase you can train them to become a “Minnie Me”. With the reward of candy they can be trained to do just about anything a Labrador Retriever will do, just not as fast.

Example #1
I trained my daughter to hide in the dirty laundry until my wife came in the room and then say her name in a scary voice. Somehow I managed to be the one to get into trouble for this little stunt which was fully my child’s idea. Oh, the injustice.

Example #2
I could also make my daughter cry on command. I could drop my wife at the door of a store, and then tell my daughter, as we drove away, that we needed a new mommy. My daughter would think I was joking until I began pointing out different potential “mommies” as they came out of the store. Tears would begin to well up in her eyes until her one and only mother would exit the building and I would pick her up all smiles. That wonderful daughter of mine never let on about our game until the one day that “mommy” dropped off the grandmother, and my daughter spit out “Mom, I think we need a new Grandmother.” My wife, thinking of how horrible a statement her child had just made, began to scold her, and under the pressure she stated, “Dad says the same thing when you go in the store”. Needless to say my cell phone rang, and some how I again got in trouble for something my child had done. I am beginning to change my opinion on how great it is to have a child, now as I write these thoughts.

Phase Two: “You are embarrassing me” Phase.
This phase starts right after the “Hero Phase” and the end has yet to be determined. (She has not reached the next phase yet.) In this phase everything you do is embarrassing to the child. They live with the fear that you are going to do something dumb. Needless to say, my daughter lives in constant fear of my stupidity. She knows I am going to do something at sometime in the future, and she does her best to make sure that she does anything she can to keep it to a minimum. I, on the other hand, purposely go out of my way to do stupid stuff just to drive the women in my life “nuts”.

Example #1
Surely you have all seen the movie “Hitch”. Well, unfortunately for my daughter, I have seen it also, and needless to say I can do most of the dances that Kevin James does on the “big screen”. Now that is not the embarrassing part…that comes when I offer to teach her friends the same moves. I am talking all of her friends, be they girls or boys. I have also been known to “break a move” or hip when I hear a good song. By the way, Walmart does occasionally play good music in their stores. Need I say more?

Example #2
I also have been known to sing occasionally. Most, I repeat most, of the time it is in the car with only wife and daughter present. Still, when I hear my favorite tune of the day, I may break into singing no matter where I am at, and my daughter is well aware of this fact, and tries her best to distract me. Did I mention that “Sexy Back” by Justin Timberlake is one of my favorites? I can hear it in my head right now. “I am bringing Sexy Back….” Just seems to fit me, and when I “bust a move” and sing…Watch out!

Phase Three and Four: “Yet to be determined.”
I assume there has to be a 3 and 4, if not I am going to continue to be an embarrassment to my daughter. Hold on!!!!!!!! I was just thinking, maybe there is no Phase Two, and I am just an embarrassment? No, that can’t be, “I’m bringing Sexy Back! Yah!”